


Weasleys Wizard Wheezes Presents: The Scintillating, Spectacular, Light-the-Night Wonder Willy!

by playout, PrinnPrick



Series: Love (and) Letters [9]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, HP: EWE, Humor, Light Angst, M/M, oddly glowing anatomy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4975069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playout/pseuds/playout, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinnPrick/pseuds/PrinnPrick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Between the title and the tags, I think you have a pretty good idea of what this absurd little fic is about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weasleys Wizard Wheezes Presents: The Scintillating, Spectacular, Light-the-Night Wonder Willy!

Draco, I have a problem.

******

You have many problems, Potter.

******

This one could be serious, though. I may or may not have been in your bathroom and grabbed what I thought was lube but--

Well, whatever it is my dick is now glowing. I need to know what I used and if I should be concerned.

******

Potter,

You ought to begin making farewells to your penis--if it has reached the glowing stage, it is not long for this world.

And that is what you get for going into other people's bathrooms and using their toiletries without permission while "they" are away on a much-needed holiday from _you_ breathing down their neck.

Good grief, man! The only greater violation would be you helping yourself to my toothbrush or shagging someone in my bed. (Note that if I ever catch you doing either of those things, your next of kin won't be able to identify your body when it is recovered from the Thames.) You are the worst flatmate!

I hope your bollocks fall off along with your prick.

D.M.

P.S.  
It's novelty lube, you moron. Blaise finds it amusing. Doesn't your Weasley's joke shop carry a similar product? Just get your rocks off and be done with it.

******

Draco,

I still can't believe you left the bloody country to avoid me. I had hoped we would be able to talk about what happened between us like adults but seeing how well this conversation is going, I'm thinking that was overly optimistic on my part.

At any rate, it isn't as if you haven't borrowed things from _me_ without permission, you wanker. Need I remind you of all the food of mine you've eaten or the time you took my wand to do dishes? You can't expect it not to go both ways!

And I am not the one who brings sleazy blokes like Zabini over to do whatever while _my_ flatmate is at work. Not that I give a damn what you two do as long you stay away from my room when you do it. Most of the furniture is yours, anyway. It's not my business what incurable diseases you choose to expose yourself to.

Harry

P.S.  
We've been living together for seven months and bloody well _kissed_. Call me by my first name.

******

Potter,

I have a policy of never acknowledging things that occur while inebriated. It has served me well through the years.

And I did not leave the country to avoid talking to you, twat. This holiday has been on my calendar for three months and you knew about it well in advance. You were probably plotting to help yourself to my belongings the moment I set foot out the door!

I ate _our_ food because we had a gentleman's agreement to share groceries along with rent. As for your wand, it was sitting out on the counter--I didn't think you would miss it for the five minutes it took me _to clean up after you_. Never mind the fact you "borrowed" mine for, oh...a whole bloody year!

It is entirely none of your concern, but my relationship with Blaise has been purely platonic since fifth year...with the exception of a handful of incidents that fall under the "never to be discussed" policy. (See above.)

D.M.

******

Draco,

(Call. Me. Harry. How many times do I have to say it?)

Okay, first of all, that wand wasn't even supposed to be returned to you. It has a close association to the Elder wand, so just be happy you got it back, all right? That took quite a bit of Ministry string pulling to do, git.

Secondly, it can't be _our_ food if I am the only one buying any!

Thirdly, you scared me off of trying to do anything helpful around the flat with all those weirdly formal, half-threat notes you left everywhere about how to clean _this_ and where to put _that_.

Lastly, how long is this stupid glow supposed last?

Harry

P.S.  
I usually abide by the drunk rule but we were only buzzed, really.

******

Potter,

You tried insisting that I call you "Harny" and then passed out on me--you were more than just _buzzed_. And we are done discussing it. Stop trying to make me violate my own rules.

Considering I do nearly all the chores (at your own admission), including the cooking, I think it only fair for you to buy the food.

The glow remains until you've made someone climax with the aid of your illuminated member. Which it says clearly on the package. ("For a truly /brilliant/ shag." Get it? The height of wit, that is.).

Your genius astounds.

D.M.

******

Draco,

You wouldn't have to do all the cooking if you'd stop refusing to eat what I make! The same goes for the rest of the chores--if you choose to do everything because you find my attempts lacking (because they're not up to your ridiculously fussy standards) then you can't get mad or claim any form of superiority.

Why the hell would anybody pay for rubbish like this? Who wants a bloody _light-up cock_?

I guess I'll just go into town and pull a muggle...or something. My secretary David likes me, apparently, but I am iffy about employee relations.

Whatever. I'll figure it out.

Harry

******

Potter,

Regarding the claiming of superiority: I can and I will.

(When it is warranted, which, in this case, it is).

I am fairly certain that soliciting sex from a muggle while your prick is lit up like a Christmas tree is a violation of the Statute of Secrecy. But _you're_ the Auror, what do I know.

For whatever it's worth, I do not trust that David. He's got crazy eyes. If you hold my opinion in _any_ esteem, you'll keep your bits away from him, glowing or not.

D.M.

******

Draco,

Well, what am I supposed to do then? It isn't as if (normal, private) men are knocking down the door to have sex with me (despite what you think), and the few that do openly want me are just in it for celebrity status, which means even if it's a one-time pull I can't be too careful, because likely as not it'll end up in the Prophet.

Any suggetions, oh great esteemed one?

Harry

******

Potter,

Forgive me if I am not terribly moved by the woeful plight of the Golden Boy. That said, if you haven't solved your own problem by then, I could be persuaded to lend a hand (in a manner of speaking) when I return Friday. _Provided_ you can manage to remain conscious this time. I would require a great deal of sweet talking, however.

I need to know: what's in it for me?

D.M.

******

Draco,

Wait wait wait... Wait. "Stay conscious this time"? Did we do more than I thought we did? And are you offering in a matey sort of way or…?

I am definitely interested, I just--there are so many ways this could go pear-shaped.

We are flatmates. And you know the Ministry likes this arrangement because they secretly (not-so-secretly) want me keeping tabs on you while you're still on probation. And as far as I've ever been aware, you can hardly stand me most days. And sex is a big deal!

I'm not saying no...I'm just not sure it's a good idea to say yes.

Harry

P.S.  
Apparently my cock glows through my flies. Wonderful.

******

Potter,

Yes or no, it doesn't much affect me, either way. You're the one with the sideshow attraction for a penis. But I don't kiss men I dislike; there is no amount of liquor that could make me lower my standards that much.

As for the rest of the incident that we are quite thoroughly finished talking about, I don't know what you remember taking place and I don't care to discuss it. I have more substantial disappointments from the past to occupy my time. Case in point: the Ministry's persistent belief that I am a dangerous criminal. Thanks for bringing that up, by the way. That was right chummy of you. You should be happy to note I haven't committed a single crime in my three whole days outside of your watchful and virtuous gaze. Perhaps I truly am rehabilitated and ready to return to polite society.

D.M.

P.S.  
Bully for you.

******

Oh, calm down, Draco. _I_ know you're not dangerous. The Ministry is just overly paranoid (rightfully so in some cases, but I never thought you were one). Which is why I suggested this arrangement to prove it. That, and I admit I was afraid someone might try to hurt you shortly after your release.

It was a disappointment? So does that mean you regret it then?

And this just proves my point! Nothing can happen between us that wouldn't lead to disaster considering our pasts and personalities. It was a nice thought, and physical attraction is certainly not an issue (you are unquestionably fit), but we can't even have a conversation without conflict via _letter_.

Thanks anyway.

Harry

P.S.  
You still won't use my first name, either.

******

Harry,

(Look at that! I did it.

...I expected rather more fanfare.)

It is somewhat difficult to regret something that _didn't_ happen. I said I was  disappointed. Because you passed out. With your hand in my pants. Show me a man who says he wouldn't be disappointed in that scenario and I will show you a liar.

I appreciate the generous self-sacrifice of you living with me these past several months. That sounds snide but I mean it sincerely. I wouldn't even be on probation now if it weren't for you, and I am not too proud to admit that I sleep better at night knowing you are there.

Look, we have made it this long without killing each other, disagreements and all. I think we'd be all right. But I can only speak for myself.

Draco

P.S  
...Still glowing?

******

Draco,

Is this something you really want? It can't be taken back once it's done.

Harry

P.S.  
Not only is the glow still present, but I think it has intensified. I don't even need a Lumos to see when I walk around the flat at night.

******

Harry,

I don't know how many different ways I can say it. If I didn't want it, I wouldn't have offered. (Which I have done. Repeatedly.)

You are the one who seems uncertain.

Draco

P.S.  
That's part of its charm.

******

Draco,

Fine. As soon as you get home I am ripping your clothes off and shagging you into the nearest available surface. That suitable for you?

Harry

******

Potter,

Remember what I said about sweet talk? I need _convincing_ , and your last missive isn't cutting it (though it does have a certain appeal). This whole ridiculous affair has cost me a great deal of pride. How are you going to make it up to me?

Draco

******

Draco,

I have no idea what you would want from me, though. Except maybe to clean the flat the way you'd like it done. Other than that, you've already got everything money can buy. I can't make your probation any shorter (I tried).

Harry

******

Merlin's sake, Potter! **You** are what I want. Though Salazar knows why at this point. How much clearer do I have to make it?

What I want to hear is that _you_ want _me_.

For the record, this is your last chance. My patience wears thin.

D.M.

******

Draco,

Of course I want you! I have for so long. How could you not know that already? You're intelligent, incredibly fit, exacting, funny (sometimes), and, Godrick, everything I have ever wanted in a man. You even see past the celebrity crap I can't stand. You stand up to me, you're always yourself, and I really, really enjoyed kissing you. A lot. I've wanted to do it again every minute of every day since it happened, but I thought you thought it was a terrible mistake and wanted to pretend it never took place.

Apparently I was wrong.

Harry

******

Harry,

You are frequently wrong.

But as far as convincing goes, you got it perfectly right (for once).

My portkey activates at 3:00. I will be waiting by the dining room table when you return home from work.

You won't have to bother with my clothes--I won't be wearing any.

Draco

******

Draco,

I may leave work early. And I've got at least two week's worth of vacation days saved up. Don't make plans.

Harry


End file.
